inspirational quote #1
The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure. - Sven Goran Eriksson
am i shallow for wanting to look like heidi klum in a bikini? she is just drop dead amazing, has a great everything and i want to have a great everything. i know that inside i have a great personality, values, and beliefs. but i am not proud of everything else going on on the outside. maybe i will meet this goal halfway in the middle and say- i will probably be 20 pounds bigger than heidi klum but i will have the killer confidence of that skinny bitch!! (i don’t mean bitch in a bad way. the woman has multiple children, is nice, and gives to charity. we all know she is not a bitch. but to give myself a small ego boost, i will use this one moment to refer to her as skinny bitch and after this moment, i will refrain from using bitch and heidi klum in the same sentence) :)
listening to…..myself?
so i am working on fixing my eating habits. i think fixing this is the key to reducing portion sizes and mindless eating, which automatically means less calories consumed. i am taking at least a 10 second pause before choosing to eat something. during this pause, i say to myself “are you hungry? is there a better choice in the house other than this? what level of fullness are you feeling right now?” those three question don’t usually follow that order or exact wording, but the point is that i am taking time to listen to my inner dialouge and my stomach. if i am hungry, i am only going to hurt myself in the long run by denying it food. so i will feed it good food, but not when bored. i have new deeper realizations of my bored eating habits all the time! i think it started when i was a kid and i used to sit around my dads apartment with no friends, no toys, no homework and my dad would be watching on of the 500 baseball games on tv. this lack of options would lead me to eat because it was something to occupy my time and make the boring weekend go by quicker. and it satisfyed that need. but it has lead me to my current state of being overweight and learning how to eat like a normal adult at the age of almost 22. it is also pretty difficult starting this new learning process when i am out of school and unemployed, leaving me many hours that i could occupy with eating, so the temptation rears its ugly head at least a few times a day. but i need to be strong and my goal of wearing a size 6 and being comfortable and happy with myself is SOOOOOO much bigger than my current desire to go eat those dark chocolate covered pretzels. i am stronger than the chocolate! i need to listen to myself in many ways. this includes giving myself positive messages to keep myself going. so todays positive message- erin, you have great will power. you can put the sweets down and you can beat this!
I am trying not to eat very late and that means sometimes that I get hungry while getting ready for bed and falling asleep. trying to fall asleep while you’re hungry is super difficult but i must remind myself that the food i eat right before bed won’t be burnt off like food while i am awake. it will most likely get stored into fat. something i don’t need anymore of, thank you very much! so i am off to bed in order to beat the hunger pains and find an easier path to dreams. the hunger filled dreams better have prince charming in them or else i will wake up hungry and without a smile on my face!
i have never known skinny
for my entire life, i have always been slightly over weight, “athletically built” or VERY overweight. i have never been the skinniest person in my group and i have always looked at the “curvy” fashion advice in magazines. i literally always skip the other sections and say to myself, “what is the point in reading this part? this isn’t me.” if i can’t fit into my normal pant size and need a bigger one, i move over to the shoes and accessories section of the store, because those items will always fit! i am afraid to go on certain roller coasters because i think i will get stuck in the seat because of my fat ass. i am constantly wearing tunic shirts and angling myself in every possible way to make myself look better just sitting down, because i have seen pictures of myself sitting down and i hate them. i never even consider wearing a two piece bathing suit that shows off my middle of my thighs, and i tell myself “only sluts wearing things like that.” but in reality, i am completely and entirely jealous of them. i want to wear mini skirts and clingy shirts and i want to catch someone cheacking me out other than the weird men at the gas station. i want to wear a bikini, walk down the beach and be hit on by some guido or jock simply to enjoy the experience of being hit on. i have been hit on but i wish it could be every time i went out, like some girls that i am lucky to know. i want to look in a smaller section for jeans. i want to wear medium shirt sizes. i want to be the sister that my brother’s friends want to flirt with.
all of those previous wants all stem from one main thought: i want to be proud of myself. i have never truly been proud of how i eat, how i exercise, or how i look and because of those areas lacking my own self pride, i do not fully present myself to the world. i am always holding back because i am not proud of the product i am putting out there. this is a fairly recent and deep realization and i have achieved without therapy, that little fact i am kind of proud of.
so as of now, any action that i take that will some how or someway affect my body, i will ask myself “is this something that will make you proud of yourself now and later?” if the answer is not yes, then i will not do it. for example eating fruit instead of chips is something to be proud of. going for a 30 minute walk instead of surfing facebook is something to be proud of. and being accountable to myself is something to be proud of. i belive i have finally achieved the right level of mental recognition and awareness to finally be able to start this giant boulder up the hill called weight loss. and it will be hard getting this boulder to the top, but the view up there will be much better than the view down here at the bottom. and i am 100% sure that the grass is greener and i will have 100X more pride on the other side of the hill.
so i joined weightwatchers.com because i realized a giant flaw in myself and hopes for weight loss was the fact that it is so hard to be accountable to myself for what i eat. but now since i have to write everything down and be so aware of what counts for more “points”, it really makes me think about something before i eat it. it all comes down to choosing healthier options and not eating a gigantous amount of them. t
the first day was tough. i think my stomach was used to having a lot more food in it so it felt empty about 2 hours after my meals. and it is so difficult to go to bed with a hungry tummy! :( but this is day 2 of the weightwatchers living and i am really excited to see my weight loss results on sunday….i will post my success and i will post my failure, if that happens which it probably won’t…..because i am awesome!
feeling low…
so i have been eating like crap recently and i mean crap. i eat for no reason, probably boredom when i should be doing homework. i eat late, telling myself that it is ok to eat again because it has been 3 hours since my last meal. i just keep rationalizing and telling myself not to do this kind of crap again tomorrow. and what do it do? repeat the process like clockwork all over again. and i feel the worst i felt in a long time in my clothes. this mood could be assisted by it being “shark week” and i just want to kill people and eat everything, but i won’t blame it all on that because i know that would be a lie. i nee more clear goals. maybe that would help me see more short term and attainable things and not keep looking at my long term mountain. i could tackle this one hill at a time. and i will only create one goal right now, as to not get overwhelmed.
My first goal:
Do not eat past 10PM.
I can do this! I will make the goals stackable. They will become habit goals. The good habits will make me healthier in the long run and the weight will come off. I am sure of it. But right now, just this first goal. i obviously wont lose any healthy habits i am currently good at. that would just be straight up dumb.
broke lent=went cookie crazy
so i used the excuse of sunday, which is when you are allowed to break lent and i ate candy and way too many cookies. i fee like i was so focused on the excitement of breaking lent, that i did not even think of my bodily goals and the consequences of breaking lent. i need to be better at seeing the bigger picture beyond those yummy moments!
Day 1……again
i am pretty sure i have not posted something for at least 2 months! and have no doubt, during those two months i was not doing much at all in the hopes of helping myself lose any weight. i just kept making excuses and just basically not helping myself. I think i lost motivation because I was in a quasi-relationship and that gave me confidence in the way that i looked. but the relationship wasn’t good for me (ended it!) and the confidence was misplaced. i know that i am beautiful, but I want to achieve something for myself. and i truly believe that i will have a new perspective when i reach my goal weight.
But a new inspiration has come into the works. I am going to Hawaii with some family and friends and I need to be more proud of myself in the ways that I look. I haven’t really worn a bathing suit in over a year! It seems very stereotypical of me to use “bathing suit season” as motivation, but whatever works!
I am starting with a small goal weight loss of 5 pounds and I will only focus on those 5 pounds. there is nothing beyond those 5 pounds. and that cycle will continue until i reach my goal of 160.
I know that it is going to be hard, like it is every time. but i need to stick to this. my personal inner growth and outer shrinkage depends on it!!!
portion size
so i figured out my main problem with food which in turn leads to my problems with my weight. There is such a thing as too much good food! I eat healthy foods. Lean meats, whole grains, fruits, and low fat dairy. But i don’t focus on how much of these good foods i am eating. I just love food and I tend to think that because the food is a healthy food it is ok to eat as much as I want. IT is NOT!!!! I have never been a big junk food, fast food, soda, candy girl. Never raised that way and I live my life now that way. But my eyes are bigger than my stomach and even if i start to get full, i still keep eating because i think the food will go to waste if i don’t. But i must remember that there is this great invention called TUPPERWARE!!!! When in doubt of hunger level, use tupperware. I think if I just focus on portion size and not so much on cutting foods out of my diet, I will see results! I found another piece to my puzzle!
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